A ticket to the bad fire

There are only a few mega brands that I wouldn't thank you for the opportunity to have a go at doing some work on. Even the ones you don't really understand and stand for things completely set against what you believe in, within reason you'd still have a pop or at least fancy yourself to be able to do something. Maybe a bit of re-positioning for a political party, or work on the appeal of some media title with a perceived harsh exterior.

Not following me? I'm saying I think it would be interesting to do some work for a bunch of bastards, and have a go at de-bastardising them.

However, this goes the other way too. Some are beyond help and I wouldn't touch them with yours (notepad and PowerPoint slides I mean obviously)

Currently standing proudly at the summit of Mount Awful, looking out to a panorama of utter disgrace is, the scourge of my formative years and root of my almost certain future need for therapy of some description is ... The Catholic Church.

Sorry Mum, but when other kids got to go to Florida on holiday you took me to Lourdes so this one's on you.

What would you do to a brief that stated the following problem:

"We are in the midst of a crisis of reputation. For decades we have, at best failed to address claims of child abuse amongst our organisation, and at worst arranged for this to be concealed from the public domain while the abuse persists. Attendances at Mass have never been lower. We will never change or alter our fundamental beliefs regardless of how they may conflict with the way of the world. What was true 2000 years ago remains so today. Oh and the head of our Church likes to say publicly some of the most objectionable things you'll ever hear about aids, contraception, and sexual orientation. We can't stop him doing this. There's also something about him being in the Hitler Youth. So meet in two weeks to see what you've got?"

"PS We don't believe in dinosaurs"

Eh..

When your best option is Tom Hanks and Dan Brown you know you're pretty much fucked.

(Please don't feel the need to point out that I have missed the point of the Da Vinci Code. This makes you look bad. Not me)

Hate is all you need

You know how when people say when you’re feeling good the sun shines a little brighter, the birds sing a little sweeter?

Well when you’re a grade ‘A’, 5^th dan, Jedi miserable bastard like myself these “pleasures” will be forever illusive. It’s a matter of time before that sun blinds me while cycling and sends me off to meet the front end of the number 36 to Kilbarchan. And the birds, well I’ve never seen the point. When you get beyond the squawking, shitting and swooping their just all smug about being able to fly. Am I right? (note to self it’s pointless to pose a question if no one reads it)

Truth be known I wouldn’t have it any other way. If I didn’t have this chip on my shoulder...well I’d probably mess up my balance for a start. Ha that’s a fantastic miserablest joke.

No really it’s best to bleak, none more black etc. It doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy yourself. Far from it. You get all the real enjoyment normal people get (apart from the sun and the birds and all that sugary nonsense), but you also get a whole lot more. It’s like you discover a secret hidden level of enjoyment. In this secret land, within darker regions of the brain you get to swear, sneer, be smug, and feel you’re better than others completely without foundations. If you’re lucky you’ll also discover the bonus special power when in there, otherwise known as borderline alcoholism.

Let’s face it life’s just one big computer game. I’ve got access to a secret level and you can go whistle if you think I’m telling you lot how to get in.

PS it’s dark in here.